Re-evaluating something you once loved can be the very thing that brings you back to life.
For me, that’s writing.
A place where I can just be me — no anxiety, no pressure, no expectations. Just thoughts, curiosity, and understanding. I’ve always loved writing essays, researching, thinking deeper than surface level. That’s where I feel most like myself.
People say your 20s are about drinking, going out, and having fun.
But I don’t think real fun starts until you actually like who you are. Until you feel connected to yourself.
This year has been hard. We’re only five months in, but it feels like I’ve lived so many different versions of myself already. I’ve faced things I didn’t know how to process, while also achieving things I once dreamed of. And somewhere in the middle of all that, I lost myself.
In relationships, in people-pleasing, in expectations — in trying to be everything I thought I should be.
The self-love I was once so grounded in just… paused.
At the start of the year, I began looking deeper into my mind and emotions. I never saw myself as overly emotional, but when I started thinking about boundaries and how much I stretch myself for others, I realised I do it more than I thought. In the past, and even now.
I started questioning how I love, how I cope, what I prioritise.
And honestly, it shook me.
Coming out of being a student and into the real world felt overwhelming. It’s not as soft as I once saw it. Maybe I did view things through rose-coloured glasses — I was still a child in many ways.
Then there’s my relationship.
It was always there in the background at first, quieter, steady. But something shifted around New Year. My outlook changed. I had always held this idea of what a relationship should look like — how someone shows they care, how they prioritise you. Because that’s how I would show up.
But reality didn’t match that.
Sometimes someone can come into your life and be completely different from what you imagined — and your mind struggles to adapt. Mine still is.
I’ve felt things I didn’t expect: love, anxiety, excitement, embarrassment, even moments of discomfort I can’t fully explain.
There’s one night I still think about — New Year.
Not because I was scared for myself, but because something in me shifted. I saw things differently after that, and it changed how I viewed him and us.
It’s hard to fully understand. I don’t think I ever will.
But I do know it shaped the rest of our relationship.
And now I find myself asking:
Why did I stay?
Was love enough?
Because right now, I’m realising something important:
Love without communication isn’t enough for me.
I’ve said that out loud now.
And yes, he called after. But the question isn’t “will he call once?”
It’s:
Will he change?
And more importantly:
What do I do if he doesn’t?
Work has been another part of this journey.
The anxiety started around December. A tight feeling in my chest, pressure from parents, poor management — it all built up. I love the people I work with, and I always will, but I’ve learned something:
Sometimes your soul knows you’re meant for more before your mind catches up.
And maybe that’s what I’m feeling in my relationship too.
That push and pull.
Wanting more, but not receiving it yet.
I used to think:
Will we even make six months?
We did.
But now I’m asking:
Is that even the right question?
Because staying isn’t the same as growing.
And then came BAE Systems.
The fourth largest defence company in the world… wants me.
I thought I’d feel everything — excitement, pride, validation.
And I did, for a moment.
But then it was just:
“Of course I got it.”
Because deep down, I knew I would.
And maybe that says something about me too.
Right now, I think I’m in a season of coming back to myself.
To my roots.
To what actually makes me feel like me.
Not what I should be doing.
Not who I should be for someone else.
Just… me.
And maybe that’s where everything starts again.
Right now I am in the middle phase of self actulization. I lost myself when I was too busy pooring my love into other things- love, work, achievements, working out my mind.
Mostly love
When you give so much of your energy to something else, sometimes the things you love can drift away from you without you noticing. For me that was everything that I have ever put my mind too since starting my new identity in 2023. Makia I gave up, writing I stopped, Meditating, Loving myself all gone.
Something that lit me up so much and made me happy I couldnt be bothered doing anymore…..
This is not laziness in the sense of not seeing the point in it. I hated anything mindset for a while my core values switched, my counselling being the main source of that destruction. Getting into a web of so many thing I was unaware of being a young adult- opened my eyes and overwhelmed my mind.
My energy began to deplete, not pouring the time I had into things that were slow and steady but to adreneline. Overthinking got the best of me, thinking about what is to come for my life, my relationship, my living situation, travel, marriage, career everything became too much for me and I short circuted.
The phone gave me the ultimate boost of seratonin when i needed it. Exersise stopped because of the weather and my mood was decreasing it was the only thing i had to make me feel something. It became addictive like something i cant stop. Waiting for text messages, scrolling apps, getting insecure about other peoples lives.
The anxiety then started after pouring all my energy into my relationship and not getting the same in return. Was making me very anxious, a tight feeling in my chest, a heavy feeling in my face. All because of two blue ticks on a screen.
Due to stopping my system regulators earlier in the year. my system has frozen, too much personal growth in such a short amount of time without any of my safety in place to stop me from losing it.
In my losing it stage, I became a hatered of mindset and self help because it was another thing in my life that I needed to fix. Instead of being a silent part of my new identity project.
Because, finding yourself again and again. Is not a sign of weakness, it is what makes us human beings. By finding what helps us to regulate our feelings and love ourselves is important. We dont need to “fix” our brain we just need to find silent moments of slow joy that help us to slow down.
remember, it all starts with self love
-m
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