Who am I? 

A question that pondered in the girl’s head as she didn’t know what career she wanted or the way her life was going to go. In her head she always contemplated different ways and life paths, wondering what felt like her. After questioning it for years pondering on her thoughts wondering why everyone else just seemed to know what direction they wanted to go in. But her. 

Later on after suffering with mental health, self awareness and spirituality became her escape from reality, discovering more about herself and what she enjoyed. Writing was one of these outlets where she got to be vulnerable and real. During this time she started to feel alive and positive about the way her life was headed. 

In September 2025, the girl decided to try a counselling skills course  looking deeper into awareness  and the processes of how to help others through different approaches such as psychodynamic, CBT and humanistic. The girl didn’t know much about these topics as she just wanted to learn about how and why we think the way we do. And to find that little part of herself that always felt missing. 

All that mattered was finding who that girl was, someone so unsure of where she was going, the uncertainty of life had her in a chokehold, controlling her every move and decision. Feeling excluded from her own sense of self. The shame, guilt, hatred and anxiety came all at once when the girl tried to be her old self. Before she had been ripped open and the feelings had reached the surface. 

As she looked deeper into herself the traumas and triggers came to the surface, the ones she once buried deep inside of her never seeing the light of day. The psychodynamic approach invited me to look at ‘the girl’ as a product of history. I realised that traumas I had buried weren’t gone; they were hands around my neck in that ‘chokehold’ breaking wasn’t a failure of theory; it was the theory working bringing the unconscious to light. 

During this moment she shattered into a million pieces, blaming everyone in her life for her downfall. Feeling emotions she never has felt, as if there was something wrong with her. 

Feeling like her mind was playing tricks on her and never being able to make even a simple decision. As if she entered a void with no one around and no escape. No noise, just silence, alone with her thoughts, getting all mushed together and running on a motor. The negative stress became a lot and she decided to change to positive thinking like the girl she used to be. My logical and analytical mind naturally gravitated to cognitive behavioural perspective, as it provided structure for the ‘motor that is my thoughts. beginning to identify tricks my mind played- what CBT defines as cognitive distortions-  where my uncertainty about the future had me in a physical freeze response. However, the girl also discovered the limit of this approach of her own development. For a natural analyst, constant self monitoring can turn into self sabotage. 

Focusing on Gestalts theory the here and now perspective aiming to increase a person’s awareness from the past and future to their thoughts, feelings and behaviours in the present moment. This connects to how my perspective is changing, no longer the girl who focuses on the past and worrying about the future. To focus on the present and what is currently occurring in my life. Not thinking of myself in the past tense and talking about myself as I. 

During my time studying the course it defines the definition of supervision as formal. For me, this concept became a realisation during my transition from ‘the girl’ to i. When I felt my mind playing tricks on me and entering that ‘void’ of silence and mushed thoughts, I understood that the human experience cannot be carried alone. Supervision is the ethical guardrail that prevents the ‘abuse of power’. As I step into professional environments like the NHS, I recognise that my real power and analytical mind require the structure of supervision and responsibility to ensure that my desire for control is channeled into professional excellence rather than personal defense, ensuring I never return to that state of being ‘shattered’ without support.

During the end she finally found that light that hid in the shadows for so long, becoming herself again and never questioning herself. 

During this course, I have learned things that I have never thought or felt before, the full spectrum of emotions, my spirituality, who I am and my values. Even thinking about love. To me love is a taboo topic, in my mind seeing people in my life get hurt by men they made a life with I decided that maybe I didn’t want to do that. I needed to be the one in power. 

But power as stated earlier to me isn’t just about destruction or any negative connotations, it is about being confident, being the full light of who you believe you are meant to be. In counselling, the counsellor can hold the power in sessions leaving the speaker to feel powerless but the fact is everyone has autonomy to choose their life path and how they live. Counsellors must respect everyone’s differences and help them feel safe. 

Looking at power and autonomy to me over the past few weeks. The power got sucked away from me, I did not feel like myself sitting in this chair looking way too much into myself as for an analytical thinker like myself too much awareness has become my sabotage, my downfall. During the past 2 weeks I have stepped into rooms where my soul has lit up and I felt just like that girl I did last year. 

I have always known who I was  at my core. After feeling so vulnerable like everything had been stripped away, lost with nowhere to go. I realise that I have always known who I am deep down. A girl I have and will always be. The girl who stepped into the I by accident, not planning on finding herself,searching for so long but was hidden.  A girl who  likes confidence, positivity, professionalism, power and control. 

A girl with a logical and analytical mind. 

A few weeks ago we spoke about power, something I view as positive.   

The full embodiment of yourself, 

I am power. 

Makia was made for ‘the girl’ who didn’t know exactly who she was or what she wanted that spent way too long being in that ‘chokehold’ . Today, i don’t only loose my escape- my writing- because it has become my empowerment I also lose a part of myself: the girl who has overthought and worried about every little detail. 

So, thank you Makia for being my escape, my place i can go where all my worries went away.

I no longer need to escape as I am comfortable in my own skin.

And this is 

Who I am.  

Remember, it all starts with self-love

-m