Lately the way I view the world- and more importantly, the way I view myself- has become very different. It is one thing to navigate life with a hard outer shell, but it is another to hold a mirror up and look at your own struggles and what shaped you.
For a long time, I had this “analysis brain” always on red alert, trying to protect me. I thought that being in control of how I felt was the only way to stay safe. I limited my emotional vocabulary to words such as “happy” or “sad” because anything deeper felt dangerous. I didn’t like feelings; they felt unsafe.
But looking back at the way I was- a scared 20 year old girl who didn’t really know who she was or was comfortable in her own skin- and seeing who I am now? That is true growth.
Is it perfect
No
But what is
Sitting in Silence
I have always had a nature of wanting to fix everything. I want to provide answers. I want to solve the problem and move on. But I’m learning to sit in that silence. I am learning to hold back and just let conversation lead itself, respecting the space between two people.
I used to find silence nerve-wracking. Now, I see it as a necessity
The Spectrum of Colour
I have spent a lot of time looking at my own life- the childhood, the trauma, the things I have faced. It’s made me realize that sometimes thoughts and feelings are hard to determine, and that’s okay. Historically, I used logic as a shield. I was too black and white; I didn’t see the full spectrum of colour.
I used to think that having a hard outer shell would protect me from my feelings. I thought that the best way to be happy was not to feel anything else. But did that affect my relationships with the people I love? Did I not show enough?
Who knows.
Finding the Strength
I’ve always viewed endings as something positive. They might hurt at the time, but they’re essential for growing. Everything that has happened to me is now a part of my journey, a positive in the way I learn to understand others.
I’m moving away from being “in my head” and acting a certain way. I’ve taken the pressure off myself to be perfect. There is so much beauty in feelings and just being human.
I’m exploring avenues of my mind I never thought were possible. I’m becoming more vulnerable, more open, and more comfortable within myself.
I used to think that strength was hiding my feelings. But maybe the strength was in showing your emotions when you are scared.
Especially then.
Remember, it all starts with self love
-M
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